Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
