look no pants
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
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I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
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I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Why can't burritos get me drunk
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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