two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
