I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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