I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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