i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
