proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
