so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
