Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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