Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
