She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
