Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
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In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
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I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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