Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
