There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
