I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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