Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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