omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
