i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
