Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
