i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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