I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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