I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
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by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
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No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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