grandma shit on top of the toilet
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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