Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize