on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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