oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
