i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
