I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
