what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
