mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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