Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
