i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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