I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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