My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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