Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
