Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
