I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Randomize
