you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
