I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
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