I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
