I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
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Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
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It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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