Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
