I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
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