apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Let the clothes fall where they may.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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