I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
the night ended with taco bell and tears
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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