Sponge bath it is.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
