I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
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We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
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Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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