I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
