You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
