my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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