Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
i need some magic done to my vagina
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
