I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
