Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
