ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize