apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize
