Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
So. Much. Porn.
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