i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
